GenQ - For the not so straight individual

Especially after almost 3 ½ years, and mark those down as the best years of my short life so far. When my girlfriend had expressed to me that she wasn’t sure that the love she once had for me was still there, I was devastated. But perhaps not as much so, because at the back of my mind I knew that if I just gave her the time and space she needed, everything would be ok. After all, that’s all I had known for over 3 years.

When she returned from visiting her family interstate however, this wasn’t the case. And so we lay down and had a chat, and she decided it was best that we ended it. That was 6 weeks ago, and tragically coincidently, 2 days before my 23rd birthday. Since then I have become all the clichés we joke about when someone gets their heart broken. Wondering where I went wrong, wondering what is left to live for, not wanting to do ANYTHING, not even sleep. But, having done a psychology degree and being able to slightly detach myself from my emotions, I realised that yes, everyone does experience this at points in their life, and yes, I will get through it, just like everyone else. And I thank my wonderful friends who were there for me, who ran at my every call, who sent their love, and hugs. You got my through that first week, and you continue to help me on my way still. And I did get out of the house and go to dinners. I did go to work. I did get out of my pj’s and do at least something with the day.

Despite experiencing such pain at the separation, and the now non-existent life plans I had involving her, we both knew it was wrong to live a lie, and that it takes two to tango. I am not angry at her at all, for I know we can’t help how we feel. And I know she still cares about me, and loves me as a friend. The only barrier to our resulting friendship, is my extra love for her, which is why I need a break from her, to lose these feelings, and come back to our fresh start, with a clear head and heart.

This break-up has caused me to deal with a lot of things I hadn’t thought of dealing with. One being, my newly single status. Before her, I hadn’t really been in a relationship before (2 week durations don’t count!). And then I found myself, almost by accident, in this amazing relationship that lasted over 3 years and in which time I learnt a tremendous amount about myself and relationships in general. And now I find myself to be at a place I have never really been before, “single�. Ok, technically I was single before her, but you can’t really be single properly unless you have had a relationship before.

So here I am! And the big questions is, what the hell to I do now? How does a single person act? Feel? What do single people do? How do single people, meet other single people? All these questions race through my head, and play on me, particularly when I go out. I guess I should just be care free for a while and not worry about any of that. But somehow, I can’t help it. And I know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet, when I’m not even over the last one. And I guess, being a lesbian, there is a certain type of external pressure as well, seeing as it is quite clear that most lesbians like to find someone and settle down for a while, whereas most gay boys like to stay single and always be on the lookout! So the lack of available lesbians adds further pressure to my plight. And hey, I am one of those ones who likes to find someone and settle down for a while, so I guess I can’t complain too much. Except now I’m on the other end, and its slightly bewildering.

I know I have written a lot about how terrible it all is and felt, and none of that was a lie. However, I should point out that this transition has also been good for me. I have re-arranged my priorities and now have a new direction for my life. And, I’m going out a fair bit with friends and having a good time, perhaps something I neglected somewhat when I was in a relationship. I have also met some really nice new friends so far, of which I’ve decided to join some on a trip to America in January of next year and embark on another personal journey.

I will continue to meet new people, and stay in touch with my friends. I will continue to strive for happiness, and hopefully a little way down the track, my ex-gf can be with me once again, along the way, but as a friend. I will continue to learn, to love and to live. Something I encourage you all to strive for, no matter what your situation. And that, is the most important part.