GenQ - For the not so straight individual

One year ago, something happened to me which changed my life, and even now, I'm still not fully over: I lost my partner to cancer. We had been together for 2 years and 17 days, and Nick had been sick for a few months before he died, but no matter who we went to, doctors, specialists, etc ? no one knew what was wrong with him. It wasn't until his cardiologist booked him into Royal Melbourne Hospital for some tests that they discovered the cause, but by then he was in a chemical coma and never woke up.

I had been at the hospital by his side for the past few days, with his family, and shed a lot of tears, so when he died, I felt I had grieved the majority of my part. As it turns out, I had just gone numb instead. I wrote a page on my website all about how we met, and what we went through, as a tribute to him, and this was subsequently published in DNA Magazine. I also offered to be there for all my friends who needed me to be there, but most of them gave me my space. Some came to visit, but weren't offended when I asked them to leave. However, the day of his funeral, I was a complete mess. That's when I realised I had been numb.

Because his form of cancer was extremely rare, the doctors were given permission to study his organs to try to find the cause, and possibly a way to cure it. To this day, the cause is still unknown. Anyhow, due to the delay in getting the organs back, he was cremated a couple of weeks after his funeral. Needless to say, again I was a mess. The cremation was only for family and close friends, therefore it was a small service.

A couple of days after the cremation, I decided I needed to get away from all the reminders and go on a holiday, so I went to Sydney and stayed with some friends. However, even though Nick and I had never been to Sydney together, everything still reminded me of him, whether it was sitting by a river, hearing an Alanis song, or seeing someone with a youthful appearance. I had a great time seeing my friends, don't get me wrong. While I was in Sydney, I wrote a poem about Nick, called ?Aftermath?, which touched a lot of people.

Basically, from when I got back from Sydney until a few months later, I ended up falling into deep depression, where I was basically at home a lot, bursting into tears, and not wanting to go anywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I contemplated suicide in that period. At one point, I got all my painkillers, sleeping pills, basically every pill I could find in the house (luckily I threw out Nick's heart medication not long after he died), and sat down counting them, working out whether they would be enough to take my life.

There were times, though, that I did go out. One thing I did, which I partially regret, was that I began to sleep around in an effort to make myself move on. As a result, I ended up with a new boyfriend only 6 weeks after Nick died. When we got together, Craig* knew about the situation, and we both knew I was probably with him for the wrong reasons, but we decided to cross that bridge when we came to it. Naturally, another 6 weeks later, I realised I wasn't over Nick, so we ended it, but Craig and I have remained good friends since.

In January, I organised my first ever interview, which was for Bent TV, a division of Channel 31 in Melbourne. The interview was with my favourite band, Veruca Salt. One of their songs, Spiderman ?79, was ?our song? for Nick and I. I spoke to the lead singer before the interview, and she remembered us from their last tour of Australia, and after the show, she told me she meant to dedicate Spiderman ?79 to me and Nick, but unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, it slipped her mind. However, this night was one of the best nights of my life, and I feel that Nick was looking down on me and had his part in helping me secure the interview.

After my depression started to subside, I realised I hadn't been paying any attention to my bills while depressed, and noticed I had fallen into a bit of debt. Being unemployed, I was having trouble finding a way to pay it all. In around April, I met a guy called Anthony, who seemed to say everything I wanted or needed to hear. He said he loved me, wanted to marry me, was willing to clear my debts, everything. After a month though, he broke up with me (only a few hours after saying he can't wait to marry me), and in the following days, I began to realise that everything he had told me was a lie, including his name. As I later found out, he actually goes by 5 different names that we know of. Due to his ?promises? of paying my debt, moving us into a better house, etc, I had given notice to move out of the flat I lived in, and subsequently had nowhere to live once this bombshell sunk in.

I called my father and told him the situation, and ended up moving back in with him in Gippsland. Since then, I have been living here in Gippsland, doing a little bit of work, and getting myself sorted out. In terms of the finances, I ended up having to declare Bankruptcy because there was no way I could pay it off while on the Dole, and there are not a lot of job opportunities down here. Not a lot has happened since I moved. I've had 2 more relationships, but neither of them worked for one reason or another. I started working for queerplanet while living here, and I'd have to say that's the best thing to happen to me for a long time. Aside from that, there really isn't a lot of news to tell, but I am now going slowly insane living so far from the city, and away from most of my friends. Most of the new people I meet online are in Melbourne, or another state or even another country. I went onto some new anti-depressants when I moved here, and they were working for a while, but now I think I need to go onto a stronger dose, as there have been a couple of times in the past few weeks that I have been suicidal, so I'll be seeing my doctor about that soon.

At this current point in time, I am awaiting news of a job interview I had last week, and if I am successful, I'll wait for a few months then try to get a transfer to Melbourne. If I'm unsuccessful in the position, I'm moving back to Melbourne ASAP, I don't care how or with what money, I NEED to do it, or I know that, by the end of the year, I'll be at the same point I was at the end of last year: suicidal most of the time. However, my depression now is not related to Nick ? at least, not as much as it was earlier this year. It is now situational, so it can be changed.

I still miss Nick like CRAZY, but at the same time, I am starting to move on. I have realised that I need to, otherwise I will never be happy again. I guess at this stage, I'm just taking baby steps, but when I look back, they will be giant leaps ?

 

*Name changed