GenQ - For the not so straight individual

I know, I know -- missing the gym? That's murder in gay society! Without the gym, I don't look toned, ripplin', and sexy -- I won't be able to pick up, keep my boyfriend, or look fabulous going around shirtless at clubs!

I laugh a little thinking about that -- I didn't go to a gym at the time that I ?picked up? my boyfriend, and I certainly have no troubles or worries when it comes to keeping him. On the odd occasion that I am shirtless in a club, it's because my friends think it'd be funny if they steal my shirt from me (and if you're reading this -- don't!); besides, even if I looked like Tom Welling I'd still be too self-conscious to enjoy myself.

Still, I find myself staring in the mirror at my body, deciding it is slowly withering away to nothing. I'm not sure the guilt I'm feeling stems from worry over my general fitness or over the ?fact? that I'm suffering from ?massive? losses in muscle mass (hey -- I'm small and don't have much to lose!), and by that, I'm losing stature and appeal in the gay world.

Am I frowning at my reflection because I don't look like the big bronzed Adonises I see clinging to water bottles and dancing all night at clubs? Is it because I feel some desire to walk into a room and turn heads, not based on any other redeeming quality than a pleasantly shaped body? I'm not sure. Does everyone feel like this? The circumstances would always differ per person, but yes, I think we do. If you spoke to someone who was into Bears, I'd argue they would generally say they need to look big and hairy to be comfortable with their body. My point is, I believe we all strive to fit the ideals that society and the gay community place over us ? or, what we think the ideals for society and the community should be, at the very least. Don't get me wrong; some of these problems I have are ultimately due to my own lack of self-esteem, but I think society and the gay community do play their essential part as well.

Regardless, the gym isn't a religious experience for me. I don't like feeling weak when comparing myself to the gym bunnies grunting, heaving, and moving mountains beside me. I don't like giving up another hour and a half of time after work where I could be lounging with my partner instead. I don't go to the gym for leisure or social interaction; I go purely to look better ? to have bigger pecs, biceps, delts, triceps, and whatever else (but of course, in stereotypical fashion, I give little thought to my ?chicken legs?). I think I may need to reassess why I do go so I can make the experience a pleasurable one and hopefully alleviate the guilt as well. In fact, I think most of us would.

While it may reek of ulterior motives, I can use the general displeasure I have with my body, not the need to try to impress others, to make sure I keep myself healthy and at my peak. I may not be like those celebrities that claim they long to keep their body their temple, but it's a start. I can also make this more about my partner; I get a huge lift when he tells me my body is harder and bigger than before, even though (bless his heart!) he makes it a point to tell me he'd love me no matter how I look. What more incentive do I need? A stronger me means more stamina and more strength for tricky positions. I'm sure seeing the downside to this?

Bottom line? I guess we all need to do what we feel is right, but we need to make sure we enjoy ourselves while we do it. We need to make sure we're focusing on the positives of a situation and make sure, ultimately, we're happy with the reasons we draw our motivation from. We need to work at things to make sure we're not cutting ourselves down and making each other think we're less than we actually are. As Mickey Mouse as it may seem, I know I personally still need to tell myself the following: it doesn't matter what others think of you. You're loved for being you, and you will be loved by others for staying yourself. Don't end up bathing yourself for what you are not.

Whoo'come to think of all this, I'm not really ?watching? here, am I? More like judging. Oops. At least I've sorted myself out; good luck to those who've read this and realize the need in themselves. In the end, though, I still feel guilty about this little bout of laziness ? now, for different reasons.

If you need me, I'll be at the gym.