GenQ - For the not so straight individual

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January) - Poor poor J.Lo. Once she was the hottest thing around. Every man wanted to date her and marry her (and many did) while every woman and gay boy wanted to be her. But the reign of the ass is over it seems. After a survey was conducted asking participants to name their favourite "Jennifer", poor J.Lo came 3rd on the list, getting beaten by Anniston and Garner. Like this little Latino lady, your popularity has gone down dismally. One day you were one of the most popular kids in school but now you smell like cat pee, you have a receding hairline and work at McDonalds. All I can say is... karma.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February) – Want to be Paris Hilton's friend? Well you better be able to tell what type of dress looks good and what doesn't. Why? Because the way Paris works out which of her friends are loyal and which ones aren't, is by trying on 2 dresses. One that fits and one that doesn't. If the so-called friend picks the right one, then she's in. If not, then it's bye bye. So take note. If Paris asks you which dress is best, pick the one that makes her look like a trashy spoilt heiress cause you know that's the one she wants you to pick.

PISCES (20th Feb - 20th March) - It seems like the new Hollywood trend is funny guys. The size of your biceps? Six pack? Got the V? Doesn't matter anymore. It seems what the Hollywood ladies like is a sense of humour. This is evident with celebrity couplings such as, Heather Locklear moving from Richie Sambora to David Spade, Jennifer Aniston choosing Vince Vaughn as Mr Rebound after the very hunky Brad Pitt, Mandy Moore swapping from Andy Roddick to Scrubs star, Zach Braff and also Rebecca Romijn dumping John Stamos for Jerry O'Connell (although he's pretty hunky so I can understand that one). So the tip for the month is, quit the gym, scrap those diets, and start taking notes from Eddie Murphy's "Raw" or Margaret Cho's "The Notorious Cho".


ARIES (21st March - 20th April) - Brangelina's little girl, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (I feel sorry for this kid already) has become the first infant to be immortalised in wax by Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York. And in the footsteps of her parent’s charitable nature, for every photo sold of the Pitt-Jolie family, the museum will donate $1 to UNICEF. This month has brought out an urge in you to be immortalised in one way or another. Go down in history as the first person to juggle 3 screecher monkeys while doing the hokey pokey. Maybe your local shopping centre will put up a huge paper mache statue in honour of you.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May) - Once Lindsey Lohan turned 20 she decided to treat herself to a personal birthday present. A new set of breasts. Photos were leaked out to the tabloids showing Ms Lohan sporting considerably larger…assets. They're real she claims. They're larger merely due to yo-yo dieting. Pfft! Yeah right. Like Lindsey you've decided it's time to treat yourself to a little something something. Maybe you'll book a full week at some luxury day spa. Maybe you'll buy some new cologne/perfume to cover the stench of selfishness that you seem to have acquired this month. Shame on you.

GEMINI (22nd May - 21st June) - Dr. Phil recently came 4th on Boston Phoenix's 100 Unsexiest Men in Entertainment, beating fellow unattractive nominees, Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickleback (6th), and talk show host, Jay Leno (9th). Although he didn't quite take out the prize for being the ugliest man on TV, he came darn pretty close. Now how does that make you feel Dr Phil? Hmmmm....aha. And how will you fix this problem? This month has got you not feeling your best. Bad hair days, pimples and tragic wardrobe choices will cause you to want to stay indoors. Please do.... for our sakes.

CANCER (22nd June - 23rd July) - Madonna has been causing quite a stir among conservative groups after it was discovered that one of her costumes for her new world tour would be a nude suit covered with whipped cream that would be licked off by her dancers. But who can blame the girl. If I had dancers like hers, all my costumes would be covered in whipped cream, or honey or chocolate body paint or any other lickable substance. August has gotten you fiery and ready to live on the wild side. Rustle a few conservative feathers by producing a play full of cross dressing midgets who can only speak in rhyme, rap or pig latin. It's sure to be a blast.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August) - George Clooney likes his practical jokes. Recently he played a joke on fellow thespian, Julia Roberts. He paid a production assistant to give Roberts 12 pages of dialogue changes "from the director" an hour before a preview performance of Three Days of Rain on Broadway. Upset, she stormed off to learn her lines. Mean old George left her there to suffer for a bit before he let her in on the joke. The mischievous side to you has come out this month. And by mischievous I mean bitchy. But then again, you're bitchy all the time. At least this time you can blame it on the month. You don't need any help coming up with something. You're conniving and mean enough to do it yourself.

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September) - Another ex-boy band member to come out of the closet is Lance Bass of N*Sync fame. Following right behind the self outing of Westlife member, Mark Feehily, Lance recently came out in an exclusive interview with People magazine. Everyone's coming out these days. Celebrity outings are the new pink it seems. Darren Hayes, Lance Bass, Mark Feehily, I wonder who's next. Maybe (and hopefully) Ricky Martin. Anyways, it's time for you to shout out your deep dark secrets to the world. So you have an eyebrow fetish. Who cares if you’re a closet Billy Ray Cyrus fan. It's time to be proud and shout it out loud!

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October) - It's been about 3 months since Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes' little baby Suri has been born and yet the world has seen no photos of her. Why? Is it because she doesn't exist? Is it because she's an alien as some people claim? Many fellow scientologists close to Tom claim they haven't even seen the baby yet. But I think the real reason is because Tom (and I say Tom only cause we all know that he's making the choices in that relationship), is holding out for the highest bidder. Rumour has it that the highest bid was slightly lower than $3 million. But if they leave it any longer, no ones going to care anymore. Not that many people do anyways. This month you should learn from Tom & Katie. That secret that's been burdening you and eating at your conscience and soul, keep it secret just a little bit longer. After a while, no one will remember or care. Slept with your best friend's boy? Ran over your little brother's dog? Or your little brother? Just wait a bit and no one will remember. John? Who’s John?

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd Novermber) - Lindsey Lohan (why is that girl in the tabloids so much), has confessed that she'd shoot a nude scene in a movie if it meant there'd be a chance of an Oscar nomination. Especially now with her new bundles of joy (I'm talking about her fun bags. She hasn't gone Britney on us just yet). The 'Mean Girls' star says that she's not shy about stripping for the camera, as long as it furthers her career. This month has gotten you selling your soul and dignity as well. Well what little you had anyways. You'll find yourself going on that date with your 80yr old boss just so that you can get that week off work so you can get your heart transplant. Things you gotta do to survive.

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December) - Britney Spears has finally put her foot down to hubby Kevin Federline, or 'Spenderline' as his friends have dubbed him, and put him on a budget. She's had enough of his extravagant spending. "Each month, he will be given a certain amount of money for personal use like clothing, nightclubs, booze and day-to-day activities", Britney told the New York Post. She continued to say, "Any big items like cars, or trips that go over allowance, need to be approved by myself first". You go girl. You show him who wears the pants in the relationship. And the red plastic jumpsuit. August has gotten you sticking up for yourself as well. Say it with me. Enough is enough! That little Girl Scout that bullies you to buy 4 boxes of cookies every time she comes past. No more. It’s time to open a can of whoop-ass on her.