GenQ - For the not so straight individual

I receive a strange reaction when people ask me what I'm doing this Tuesday night. I'm not quite sure why, because to me it seems perfectly natural - I'm going to the movies (as I do regularly) with my ex-boyfriend.

Surprised by this reaction, I took it upon myself to do a little research.

As it turns out, there are very few of my friends who still talk to their exes. As in, none. None who can talk to them without it turning into a huge argument, anyway. Or who talk about their exes without complaining. Or who don't want to cause grievous bodily harm to said ex. All of which makes we wonder:

Why do we hate the most the people we once loved?

When I asked some randomly selected people this (basically my MSN buddy list) I received, not unexpectedly, many different answers.

The most common answer I received was that, after a break up, we are so hurt by the experience that it's too painful to face the other person again. When we see them, we are reminded of the pain and loss that we feel, and prefer to avoid them completely than face the pain that they represent. We bitch, we snipe, we act up behind their back, trying to pretend that we don't care and don't hurt when we see them pashing that new squeeze on the same dance floor where we shared our first kiss (which was, we know, far more special than the drunken snog he's having now).

Some of my friends seem to think that our behaviour is that of self-preservation. While in a relationship, our partner sees a side of us that nobody else sees. The implicit trust involved in a relationship inevitably leads to secrets being shared, embarrassing moments being known, those little idiosyncrasies that we'd rather the world not know about becoming blindingly obvious. Not that we mind, mind you, because when you share a bed and a life with someone, it's not important to hide that embarrassingly placed birthmark that looks like a dead possum.

Once we break up, however, this trust feels misplaced. How did we let someone get so much dirt on us and then let them out in the world where they could tell anyone? Suddenly, that person becomes an enemy - the person who knows too much. With a few well-placed pieces of gossip, they could ruin your standing as king (or queen) of the clubbing scene. And so, we begin a not-so-subtle process of exclusion. We tell lewd jokes about them to our friends, we make fun of their, uh, stature, we generally do our best to make them as socially unacceptable as possible. Discredit them to the point where nothing they say can hurt us - because after all, there's no point everyone knowing about your singing in the shower if they don't believe it, is there?

The last response I received, late in the night, made me think a little more - and made me more than a little uncomfortable. Maybe, just maybe, when we met the person, we recognised that they were human. We saw all of their flaws and faults. We could see the things that were going to get on our nerves. However, as time went on, and we fell in love with them, we ignored the flaws, exaggerated the good stuff, and were blissfully happy. As things fell apart, however, those faults raised their ugly heads. Suddenly the tiny flaws weren't so tiny any more - and the good stuff wasn't so good, either. But afterwards, we look back and realise that the bad stuff was there all along, had we eyes to see it. And so, we get angry - not angry at our exes, but angry at ourselves for not seeing what was there the whole time.

Whatever the reason, the end of a relationship seems to be a very common way for a friendship to break up. I know people who won't go to certain clubs or parties because their ex might be there. And so, I offer my own opinion, which is very simple: you don't have to hate anyone! If you don't want to, that is. You don't have to obsess over ways to cause them pain, you don't have to avoid them, you don't have to tell your friends that they can't speak to them. It's okay to extend the hand of friendship. Sure, you don't have to like them very much, but isn't silent tolerance less tiring than active hatred?

So, next time you see your ex, why not think about saying hi instead of snubbing them? Have a conversation instead of spreading a rumour? Introduce their new partner to your new partner (who is much more intelligent, and better looking, too)?

Because who knows? You might just find someone to share your large popcorn with.