GenQ - For the not so straight individual

Thursday, August 14th, 2001

What a week.

Seriously, there are times when you feel like everything just needs to end and you just want to start over. You wish you could take back things you've said or done, or you wish you just would have been honest about things in the first place. Because the headaches that come from NOT doing these things becomes unbearable. So let's pretend we can do just that, shall we?

I'm gay. It's not a phase; not some rebellious little stance I've decided to take, and it's most certainly not Australia doing it. It's definitely not something I've ever been really comfortable with -- for a very long time at least. I've opened up my heart and my mind and I've really accepted who I am, after trying so many things to be someone else; someone whom I'm not.

So let's begin this from the start. There really is no definite start, really; just fragmented instances that remain in my mind -- like whenever I used to stare at big, muscly guys with bare chests, and I mean LONG stares, and always forced myself to think, ?Whoa! I wish I looked like that!? instead of, ?Whoa! I'd love a piece of that!? When I was with a group of guys and we snuck into someone's dad's porn collections, I was always slightly bored with what was playing on the VCR, but not so when I found some Playgirl magazines in Grandma's basement. Don't even get me started on what I watched on the Internet.

But, even with these things becoming more and more evident to me, I kept on trying to force myself to have a ?normal? life. Why? To this day, I'm still not 100% sure. Did I do it to make my parents happy and proud of me? Did I try to stay in my many Christian friends good books? Lord knows how much I hated myself for having gay thoughts and how many prayers I fired up there to try to change my heart. Was I too scared of the reactions from everyone around me that I would then have to face? Or, was I too scared to admit to myself that I was gay? I seemed content to shove my ?man to man? thoughts to the back of my head and have fun with my girlfriend. I couldn't, however, even live that lie as time went on and I found myself searching gay websites, counselling sites, and various PFLAG sites. While I was getting ready to come out to myself that little bit more, I really had a long way to go. Not for any one of those specific excuses; I think it was a combination of all of them.
 

So while I was dating my girlfriend, I was also on the internet, meeting gay and lesbian people, chatting with them on gay.com chat lines, and reading about their lives. Imagine my surprise when I found out that a friend of mine in Australia was in the same situation as me. It was this friend that I began to suspect was gay during our conversations, and I felt so liberated at the thought. Not content with leaving things at that, I kept throwing in gay-orientated comments into our conversations. Things like, ?Oh, I'm right! Now you'll have to bend over and take it like a man; you're my new bitch!? While they definitely had homo tendencies, my comments could always be passed off as harmless jokes between mates if my friends became offended. The funny thing was, he didn't take offence at the comments ? he joined in!
Soon enough, the comments led into full on conversations about being gay, and it wasn't long before we came out to each other. I felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders, as I was now able to speak with my friend about everything I'd ever wanted to ? especially about perving on other guys and dismissing it as hero worship. I felt so happy, sitting there at the computer, typing in my deepest, darkest secrets, or spending time on the phone with my friend, confessing our love for each other. Mom and Dad noticed that the phone bills and time spending talking to my Australian friend were increasing at a steady rate, and I'm sure they suspected something was going on, but I always managed to pass it off with some horrible second-rate excuse that was hardly believable. At school, or work, or home, with my friends and family, I tried my hardest to be straight-old Steve. Miserable Steve.

This continued for so long. Saskatoon seemed the least likely place to even come out; I remember reading of cities like Montreal, Vancouver, Sydney, Amsterdam, or San Francisco, and how they had bustling gay communities, and had found at least some level of acceptance for queer people. In Saskatoon, no queer community existed, and virtually everyone at one point had voiced their resentment and disapproval towards gay people. There were times when I was determined to march up to mom and tell her straight out that I was gay, only to hear her say something like, ?Oh, those damn gays are at it again!? while watching the news or something. When my friends voiced their resentment to gays, and then added the half-hearted, ?not that there's anything wrong with that?? at the end of their sentence, it sure didn't help either. What if I could have changed their opinions about gay people by just telling them straight out? That didn't occur to me, and any progress I'd made at coming out of the closet had been lots with their words; I probably shoved myself farther in, to be honest.

I've always been the same person I am now, and vice versa. I've been brought up with proper morals and I live by them today, as I always have. I have a clear-cut conscience, and it was that fact that made me confess to my girlfriend that I was gay. After all, while I was dating her, I'd also been discovering my gay side with my Australian friend. I felt as if I'd been cheating on her twofold; first, because I was interested in another person, male or not, it didn't matter, and second, because I was cheating her from having a straight boyfriend. I mean, I loved her, honestly loved her, but at the same time I was fantasizing about boys. I felt untrue to her by being untrue to myself. I needed to break up with her so she could have a chance at a ?normal? life herself, and I thought she deserved the truth as to why.

She was the first person in my city that I came out to, and it went horribly. I mean, she was a Christian, and therefore by being gay, I was acting as a non-repenting sinner in her eyes. Secondly, how would one be expected to feel if your boyfriend of two years suddenly told you he was gay and wanted to break up? I understood her position as she distanced herself from me in disgust with who I was. I don't understand why even know, a year later, she has taken it upon herself to defile my name to my friends and family along with my Australian friend; and I sure do not understand how she can do so, such a selfish act, and claim she is going about it in a godly, Christian way and can support herself with biblical quotes. Sick.

With that, I'd lost my only real friend left in Saskatoon, as all my other friends had been forced to move to other cities to pursue schooling. I had nothing that help me down to home anymore, and more and more each day I wanted to live the dream of travelling to Australia and explore life with my gay friend. I even through away a great relationship with an Edmontonian because the thought of visiting my first gay true-love was too strong. As soon as my second year of English at Uni was completed, I packed my bags and moved to Australia. It was a great chance for me to spend a couple months with a great friend and what I hoped would be a great boyfriend, and also a great chance to experience real gay culture and to be myself.

Those dreams were short-lived, as I found out almost immediately that the boy I fell in love with in Melbourne was nothing like the boy I had flown half-way across the world to see. I suppose I couldn't have prepared myself any better than I did for what occurred; one can easily broadcast a false representation of themself online, and I only could find out how wrong I was about my friend by meeting him to face to face. My plays of staying a couple months, leaving in August, were about to shortened because I wanted to go home and escape. I was eager to leave my vacation behind and finish my third year of University back home. My boyfriend, who only lasted as a boyfriend for less than a week, was easily swayed by passing boys, liked to smoke and now does drugs, and I wasn't prepared to adopt that lifestyle myself.

After an incredibly short time, and now what has turned into three separate court cases and credit card fraud charges (against my credit card!), it was over. I was preparing to leave, but then, by chance, I met a wonderful boy named Andrew Zunica who completely changed my life. As the old boyfriend had made me see the gay community as a society led by their penises and as selfish, bitter queens, Andrew, or Andi as I quickly came to call him, made me see that gay people could be sensible, moralistic people. He cared about making people happy, and was the first genuine gay guy I had met in Australia; SO different than the ex-boyfriend's crowd. Our innocent friendship lasted only a couple days and quickly blossomed into a full-on relationship. I decided to extend my stay from August to January, and then from January until May, and now I am determined to stay with him for life here.

He is the most perfect man; while he is definitely gay, he doesn't let that rule him and doesn't fit the gay stereotype at all. He doesn't believe in threesomes, gossip, alcohol, or drugs. He enjoys going out to gay clubs, but doesn't try to pick up; he just enjoys dancing and being completely monogamous with me. Andi cares about meaningful relationships, romance, and loves to cuddle on the couch. He has taught me how to be comfortable with who I am, to the point of where I feel comfortable enough to tell my mom and dad that I am gay; or, where I can pose for a photo shoot to be on a gay and lesbian magazine cover with him; a magazine spread where I am also pictured kissing him. He has let me become comfortable with the part of me that is gay, and has made me able to integrate that into my whole being. While I am a gay male, I am not only that.

I wish I could have learned all that before I had even left Canada. I would still definitely make the mistakes I have, because without, I wouldn't have met Andi, but if for some reason I could send my past self knowledge to avoid situations, but still be able to keep Andi, I would do that in a second. The Australian ex-boyfriend had made it a point to fly to Saskatoon, teamed up with my ex-girlfriend, and the two began to tell everyone back home that I was gay and in an intense relationship with Andi. I was confronted by so many people back home that asked straight out, ?Are you gay, Steve?? Being scared of rejection and disapproval, I quickly dismissed the charges as rumours. I am sure that making my coming out public whenever I choose to will crush them after I've lied to them so bluntly, but I only hope they realize that the friend they knew in Saskatoon is the same friend who is here, and he was only too scared of their rejection to tell them the truth. For a long time, I was prepared to be anyone that my friends and family wanted to, so I could keep their love. But I need to be me now, I realize, and I hope they understand and still embrace me. If only I would have realized how much damage I will soon cause in these friendships by my lies, I wouldn't have spoken them in the first place. I know realize that if I would have told them about my sexual preference as soon as I started to question it in the first place, hopefully their opinion of me wouldn't change purely based on that. I should have been confidant in myself to educate my friends and family as to why they shouldn't be ashamed to have a gay son, brother, or friend.

That's what I think it's all about; education and understanding. I've learned that is what I should have followed from day one instead of succumbing to fear and hiding from two I am. I've learned the hard way. I truly hope that because of those mistakes I've made, I haven't lost my friends and family back home. I'm still me and I'm happy to be me. I hope that is the sentiment felt by everyone close to me. I vow to learn from these mistakes and help others around me from committing the same mistakes, and I vow to preach love and understanding to all, especially where it's hardest to get past discrimination of any kind. This is the new me; the Steve who is out and proud, but still the same Steve who started this journey.