GenQ - For the not so straight individual

I have a theory. A theory that the AFL games which are screened on TV tend to have commentators who are inclined (for whatever reason *wink*) to use language that ah? occasionally, sometimes, sort of?. has a lot of sexual undertones. It seems to have gotten a lot worse since channel 7 released the rights of footy to the rest of the channels (please don't tell me I'm the only one who's noticed this??). Anyway after realising that it was no passing phase, I, along with my gorgeous assistant JustNat, decided to test this theory. Although the experiment focuses on the finals (the qualifying to be exact) and the finals are only on channel 10 (no this is not an advertising slot for channel 10), we recognise that a lot of the culprit commentators are widely spread across the networks.

Friday night, finals football ? is there anything more exciting?? Ok, so many of you may beg to differ (how could you?!? Come on! Hot sexy buff tanned guys in short shorts!), but there was certainly plenty to listen out for during the West Coast Eagles Vs Sydney Swans match in Perth. Along with commentators Anthony Hudson, Robert Walls and Stephan Quartermain, viewers were taken on the roller coaster ride that is finals football. Before the first bounce of the ball we were subject to sayings such as ?We're about to see the Sydney Swans come out? and ?The eagles took to the field and spanked this modern day powerhouse?.

Following the bounce of the ball, the double meanings got much worse. And with player names such as Fosdyke and Cox, what chance did the commentators have? It's fair to say that out of all of the commentators, Anthony Hudson was the worst offender. Among his repertoire of sayings were:

?(Daniel Kerr) He's leading all-comers are the moment?,

?both getting a feel?,

?Bolton goes in again ? you'll often find him at the bottom of the pack?,

?Matthews can't keep it in?,

?they didn't penetrate enough (on the scoredboard)?,

?Kirk.. who put the head down ? is he gonna be pinned??

and ?they are really going for it?.

But my favourites for the night would have to be: ?double fister from Jolly?, ?Chris Judd, even he can't find an opening at the moment? and ?with the crowd behind them, they have come and come again?.

Stephen Quartermain had gems such as:

?no wonder Glass gave him a pat on the backside?,

?here's 2 big fellas going at it?,

?Barry got into the hole?,

?Goodes couldn't hold onto it, it's very slippery now?

and my favourite ?I don't think he (Daniel Kerr) relished the hardness all that much, but he's grown to enjoy it?.

Robert Walls, although quiet for much of the night, did have this to say; ?some of the West Coast Eagles players, it's their first taste of it? and ?putting your head over it?. Even Chris Judd post match got into the action, saying ?to come from behind like that is just great?.

Just to follow up and make sure it wasn't a fluke, here are some sayings that commentators Anthony Hudson, Michael Christian and Malcolm Blight had during the Geelong Vs Melbourne match Saturday afternoon:

?King and White go at it again?,

?tell me you loved it?,

?had plenty of penetration?,

?Playfair's longer?,

?gets good support from behind?,

?they have shown their ability to come from behind, can they do it again??,

?on top of each other?,

?good pressure from Melbourne to keep it in?,

?11 possessions, 2 straight?

and my favourites, ?Regoni just bangs away? and ?he tried to give it to Gardner?

Although not scrutinised as heavily as the previous two games, some from the Adelaide Vs St Kilda and Port Adelaide Vs North Melbourne included: ?it's slippery in the middle?, ?St Kilda build?, ?he's gang tackled?, ?Del Santo will ride it over? and ?Gehrig fists?. Personal favourites include: ?two young balls there just going at each other?, ?need to get it inside?, and ?an extreme opening?.

Therefore, to sum up our evidence, in conclusion, we would like to conclude that yes, AFL is a somewhat sexual game but a certain type of sexual: HOMO (just look at the footy shorts they wear or how they celebrate after a goal). The only way we perceive and understand our footy is through the eyes and words of the commentators so of course the words they use should be factual and unembellished. Yet it would seem that an undertone of a very gay nature has slowly crept up on the game. We admit that the quotes are taken completely out of context but that's the idea. Most of these comments tend to sound rather rude and when heard during a football match can make the listener do a double take or get the giggles. One thing is for sure, the next time you listen to ?professional? commentators calling an AFL match, you'll be hard pressed not to find something that will get your gaydar sense tingling? Now all we need is the first AFL footballer to come out.