GenQ - For the not so straight individual

In love do we always get our just desserts? Take the situation with Ivan for example; two years have past since we first met. In that time he had hinted at wanting a relationship, and for someone who usually needs the other person to be very direct and forthcoming, being subtle got the point across just fine. I wasn't sure at the time whether I was ready for that sort of commitment, and two years ago I was still very unsettled, not only with my sexuality but also with the age difference.

Another example, two years ago I used to date Zack who I had practically adored, I had thought (or at least hoped) that he felt the same way. After a month, he broke my heart. His housemate James expressed an interest in me (he had known that Zack wasn't good for me, but waiting for me to discover this for myself). He asked me out soon after the break-up and at that point I wasn't sure that I was ready for another relationship – so I said, "It's not a 'no', just a 'not right now'. Two weeks later we got together and I was finally ready to move on.

Until Zack expressed an interest again; misleading me with his amorous gestures. Blinded by the vision I saw through the rose-stained glasses of lust I was unable to foresee the consequences that followed. Under a misapprehension, I was lured into bed by Zack, it meant nothing in the morning. All I was left with the shame, one ex boyfriend who shouldn't have been as such and one who should have known better.

Months passed, and I finally plucked up the courage to write James an apology letter hoping to at least mend our friendship. As far as he was concerned we were still friends. Soon we were back as friends, things would never be the same, but at least we had moved on from this incident.

I knew precious little of what had gone wrong in previous relationships for James, but I knew that he no longer spoke to any of his other exes. Yet he still spoke to me, which came as a surprise, after all that had happened, shouldn't I be one of those exes he didn't talk to? Apparently not because on his birthday last year, he asked me out again. Unfortunately I couldn't oblige his request, as much as I wanted to, by this time I was already in another relationship.

We remained friends, and by chance, I ran into him on a train bound for the South Side of Adelaide and he invited me to a party he was going to. That night we got fairly close, it had felt so right. Sadly I had to leave, sooner than I would have liked.

A couple of months ago, I realised that I missed being with him and I wanted to give him another shot, this time I wasn't in a relationship and I was pretty sure that he wasn't either. This time I asked him out, but he wasn't sure what he wanted, he wasn't making any plans as they didn't ever go to plan. True as that was, I had gone out on a limb for him and he had not once expressed to me how he felt about it, surely he had some idea.

I wondered – was this his way of saying "It's not a 'no'; it's just a 'not right now'?"
He did say "but if we happen to get back together, so be it" – I didn't know if it was false hope or reassurance that my efforts hadn't been in vain.

Maybe the issue is not my sexuality, maybe it is my inability to move on. No matter how much closure work you do, somehow part of everyone you genuinely cared for leaves an impression on your heart. I am sure that no matter how much you apathise about a situation now, that in time, it will unfold just as it was supposed to. Call it what you want, everything happens for a reason.