GenQ - For the not so straight individual

Being single in NY, while most people say it has it's advantages, SUCKS! Searching for love is a very frustrating experience. I was looking through my friends on myspace today to see if there was someone I haven't spoken to in a while that I could be reunited with. While browsing through the 116 different profiles, I slowly came to the realization that most of the guys back in NC who were single for all 4 years I was in college (they said it's because they could never find anyone), were all in serious relationships now. And all of those guys were someone that I could have dated. Now, don't get me wrong. I am very happy and excited for these guys because they deserve all the happiness in the world. But then again, so do I. So why haven't I found someone special? It's simple. (One of my friends last night said that all the special guys are either gay or taken. Honey, trust me, they aren't gay.) They're just TAKEN! And I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel anger towards all of you out there who are in a happy, committed, serious relationship. I'm sorry! But it's true. If that makes me bitter, then call me fucking bitter. People keep telling me that I'm only 21 and that one day I'll find love. But you know what? After all this searching, do I really want it? Is it really worth it?

I started having sex when I was 16. The guy was 28 and I met him in achatroom on Yahoo. We met up and we had sex. It wasn't just a one-time thing. We met up several times during the last 6 months I was home before I left for school. Some people would think that was a horrible experience. But for me, it wasn't. I felt like someone wanted me. I am the ugly duckling. I grew up as the nerd, with glasses and braces, and was constantly teased and picked on throughout elementary and high school. When I went away to school, I had my braces taken off and had gotten contacts. All of a sudden, people wanted me. They thought I was attractive. Some still do, although I do not see it. So think of a little nerd boy who no one wants to have anything to do with and then all of a sudden a very attractive, slightly older guy comes along and tells you that you're adorable. I didn't care that he wanted to have sex with me. I just cared that he wanted to be with me.

After that was over with and I left for school, I met another guy through gay.com. (Up until then, I had only had guys call me to jerk off over the phone.) I won't mention any names here because most of the guys I've dated are listed as my friends on here. Well, this guy seemed like such a great guy. He was 2 years older and from my hometown. We started to date and on the first night I told him I loved him. (I didn't know what love was; I still don't.) We dated for a month and then it was time for me to go back off to school. I sat him down and told him that I would cheat on him when I went back. He told me that if you really loved someone, you wouldn't do that. I believed him and went back to school. And I cheated on him...7 times. Each time, he found out and kept taking me back. My theory was that I didn't want to be with him and that if I kept cheating, he'd break it off and I wouldn't have to. Eventually, he did. The last guy I cheated on him with was the first disappointments in a long series of guys that I fell for. He was a law student and in his mid-20s. He was the typical frat boy for ya! He was hot! We met up and had sex a couple of times, after he cooked me dinner of course. And then during Christmas break, he called me to tell me that we couldn't "do what we do anymore," because he started seeing someone. A few months later I found out that he had been seeing that guy for 3 months already and had him moved into his apartment before I even left for my break. (I was stupid to not notice, right? But don't worry. I got back at this frat boy by sleeping with this guy he moved into his house. Am I proud of it? No. But I did it.)

Next, there was the gymnast. Late 20s, gorgeous body, best sex I had ever had up until that point. I fell for him. I went home for the summer, he begged me to take off work to come up and visit him. I lied to my parents, packed my bags, and the night before I left I got 2 voicemails from him. "I can't wait til you get here. We're going to have so much fun!" Then an hr later, "Don't come. I've met someone else. I don't want it to be weird for him." FOR HIM?!?! Two months later, when I moved back to school from summer break, he called me. I met him again and he wanted to have sex with me. I said no and he asked me to leave. I've never heard from him since.

Ah, here it comes. The big one. Well, one of the two. Another law student, early 20s. Met him online, of course. Hung out, instantly fell for him. A week later, we had to go come for summer break. Him to the north, me to the south. We called every day. He asked me to be his boyfriend; I said yes. He came down once to visit me. I cried when I drove him back to the airport. I never saw him again. I heard his ex was at the airport, crying, begging him to take him back. I heard he did. I also heard he came down to visit him a couple of times, never once telling me he was here. It was the first big heartbreak of my life. I was falling in love with this guy. (Now that I'm living in NY, we met up 2 weeks ago when he was here for vacation. I was afraid that all of those feelings for him would come back. But they didn't. Just anger. He's in a committed relationship right now. They've been together for over a year and a half. A few months after he disappeard on me is when they met. They're living together. How can he be faithful to him? What does he have that I don't? I hope he's not reading this...)

After him, was the sarcastic boy. LOVE HIM!! He's so awesome! But I wasn't attracted to him and we only had sex once, and I was drunk off my ass. But to this day, it was the only New Years kiss I've ever had, even if it was just a peck on the cheek before we started to call our friends on our cell phones. He broke up with me in an email after I was told do it first by a good friend of mine.

Now here goes the 2nd, but the biggest heartbreak of all time! That good friend of mine, I had known for about a year and a half. And by known, I mean, we hooked up a few times during that year and a half. And by hookup, I mean have sex. He was there to talk to me and help me get over the 2nd law student. He helped me realize that I was something special. Something that any guy in his right mind would want to keep and hold on to. I fell in love with him. Completely, head over heels in love with him. We officially dated for 9 months (not counting the month he didn't talk to me because I got online when I was drunk and told his roommate I wanted to fuck him.) Eventually, on New Years (once again, alone) I found out the truth. All of the trips he took for medical school, were a joke. He wasn't even in medical school. His name wasn't his real name. He wasn't 24. He didn't have a roommate. (It was him online that night.) And worse of all, he was married. He was honest up front and said he used to be married, but it was annulled. Stupid me. Believing everything I'm told. He was still married. And worse of all, him and law student (the guy he helped me get over) knew each other. Apparently they "hung" out a few times.

After that, I moved up here to NY. I met a guy in musical theater, 30 years old, cute as a button. The first night, we jerked off in the bathroom stall at G. I started to like him. I went back to NC to graduate, talked every night on the phone, came back to NY, he picked me up and drove me to his place to spend the night and I had the intention of sleeping with him. We got naked, we talked about it, we fooled around, I fell asleep. He dropped me off at the subway in Queens and I never heard from him again.

So this is where I am at right now. Single, alone, and quite bored. While browsing all of these profiles this morning, I came across a quote that said "Don't make someone your everything if you are only their option." Then I took a look at my own profile. "Find happiness in yourself before you search for it in others." Then I had a question for myself. Did my bad luck stem from me cheating on my first boyfriend 7 times? Is 7 the number of times I have to have a broken heart before I find true love? If so, the musical theater guy made 7, so is the next one my true love? If you're actually happy with who you are and with yourself entirely and that special someone still doesn't come along, what happens then? Are you forced to adopt a Korean girl and a German boy and be a single parent for the rest of your life? Or do you really just think you're happy with who you are and with yourself entirely, when really all you are is just fucked up? And so I ask all of you: Is it possible to love and be loved if you're more fucked up than you could possibly know?