GenQ - For the not so straight individual

I'm the first to admit it, I have 'issues' with my girlfriend's ex. And it's not something I can pinpoint either, rather just a general discomfort that slowly permeates when her name is mentioned. As much as I hate myself for it, I just can't help it. What is it with exes? Maybe my reaction is just a 'Shannon thing' ? many things are, or is ex-anxiety more widespread?

I should start by saying that there is no chance that Michelle will get back together with her ex, and I know that. We love each other and have an amazing relationship and it's not even a concern that registers in my mind. So what's the big deal then?

Of course, I have my exes but having never been in a serious relationship with a woman before, mine are seemingly more harmless. And seemingly more male. This is the first time I have truly been in love ? which I have learned with the joy of hindsight ? and at first, the fact that Michelle had shared this with someone else freaked me out: a) because I thought what we had was special, and b) because if she could feel it again with me, I feared that she could easily go off and feel it again with someone else?

Thankfully, I was able to identify and deal with my insecurities fairly early on and essentially banish them from my headspace, but the whole ex-drama has got me thinking about it again. Perhaps it is my lack of relationship experience that causes me to be so unfamiliar with the looming figure that is the ex. And let's be honest, my relationships with guys were so dysfunctional that I struggled to comprehend actually being attracted to them ? let alone stress about their exes. I find it almost comical that Michelle sometimes seems uneasy about the guys I've been with, as I would find it much easier to deal with if her past involved meaningless sex and confusing relationships with the 'wrong' gender instead of big things like first times and love.

Who knows, maybe it's more of a protective thing. I mean, her ex had her chance and blew it. She hurt her and I don't want anyone to ever hurt her again. And I don't think I can understand why she would want to maintain contact with someone who hurt her so badly, someone whose betrayal still obviously affects her, and whose actions spark bitterness even in retrospect.

On the other hand, yes, she was her first love, and yes, they were together for about a year. I'm not denying that there were good times and shared adventures and experiences, but they are in the past. What do they now have? Maybe that's the part I find so threatening that I can't understand the 'why' and consequently my mind runs into overdrive. Not with fears and 'what ifs' but with the tiny pieces of information I do have, and with the experiences I have had, as though trying to match them together and solve the puzzle of the ex. Surely I understand that everyone is different, that every relationship is different, and that not every experience has a clear beginning and finite end?

I hate to think that I might be hypocritical or dictatorial in my views, which is another reason I'm battling to understand the way I feel. At the end of the day, nothing has happened and there is no precedent for me to follow the 'issue' I have with my Michelle's ex is all in my head and it's up to me to try and identify it before I can think about actually understanding it. But however I feel, and however unfounded those feelings seem, I know that my girlfriend's past including her relationship with her ex ? has helped to create the amazing person she is today.

It's hard to think of the people we love with someone else, and sharing special times and memories with that person, but I guess that's just life. We can't all find our perfect match straight off the bat and in many ways we probably wouldn't be ready for that to happen. There are loves to share, wounds to heal, and lessons to learn before we can truly appreciate what that person can bring to our lives. And we have our own paths to travel before we can offer ourselves completely to that person.

Maybe this 'issue' I'm experiencing isn't just a 'Shannon thing' maybe it's simply a Shannon twist to what is a common theme. Maybe it's something that everyone goes through in varying extremes, and maybe it's something that isn't necessarily a bad thing to experience at some stage or other. Whatever it is, it's definitely something that exists only in the mind and something that lessens with time. In many ways it's a later manifestation of that 'will she/he call' anxiety that flutters through heart and stomach after those first few dates. As torturous as those moments were, we wouldn't trade them for anything and I guess I feel the same way about this. In answer to my own question, 'What is it with exes'? In my eyes, they make us confront our fears, understand our faults and appreciate those we love and what they bring to our lives.