GenQ - For the not so straight individual

There comes a time in every relationship which we all dread; even worse than meeting the parents ? the first time we have sex.

I've had a fair bit of sex, most of it good, some of it bad, and a fair chunk of it downright ugly. But sex isn't always the same thing. The sex we have largely depends on the person we're in bed with.

Sex with someone we care about is almost entirely different to sex with someone we don't. The sensations we feel, the way we act and the intimacy we experience are all remarkably different dependant on the type of sex we are having.

One-night-stand-sex is immediate, passionate and feverish (if it's good at least) whilst relationship-sex is sensual, erotic and loving.

One night stands are great because we can let go of all our inhibitions and our sexual hang-ups. It is highly unlikely that we will ever see the person lying on top us ever again ? and so we don't have to impress them, we can be free to enjoy the moment and concentrate on our own pleasure.

Relationships sex, in the early stages, however is rather different. Because we like the person we are sleeping with, we try to impress them, we care about our performance and how much we are pleasing them. The pressure to perform well and pleasure our partner means that the sex we end up having isn't intimate or loving ? instead it's rehearsed and focused, at the beginning at least.

I'm at that stage in a relationship right now. We started dating about 2 weeks ago, and though we haven't mentioned it, I can tell sex is on the cards soon.

I'm not a man who scares easily, I can kill spiders, remove dead mice from traps and hold snakes all without fainting; however, when it comes to having sex with my new man, I'm terrified. I'm defiantly no virgin ? but this is virgin territory.

I know that the more I obsess over it, the more pressure I place on it to be perfect. And yet, as a sex-writer, I know that sex is never perfect. No matter how good we think the sex we're getting is, it's not perfect.

I remember the last time I had sex with a new partner ? and how scared I was then; yet I had no need. The sex was great when we eventually got around to it. And the reason it was so good?

Because we were both relaxed about it, we both knew that there was so much pressure on the event ? that it would be terrible if we just did it. So we talked about it, and ended up laughing about how anxious and nervous we'd been. And then, when we did sleep together, it was fantastic.

At the end of the day, sex is just sex. If the person we're with cares about us, then our sexual performance shouldn't change those feelings, and if they do ? is this really the sort of person we want to be with?

The sex we have when we don't care about a person is good, but the sex we have when we do care, when we're in love, is phenomenal.