GenQ

Disclaimer: This is a little piece I wrote to save all of you poor souls without 'Gaydar' from a lonely life of ignorance. Please bear in mind that this is largely tongue in cheek and that the use of stereotypes is played upon, though not condoned by the author in a serious manner. Also, I use the term 'gay' and 'queer' interchangeably and should be taken to mean the same thing, although some of us know that they aren't.

Ladies and Gentlemen (and some people in between), how many times have you been walking down the street with someone, or watching TV when all of a sudden the person next to you turns and whispers 'He's so gay'?? and the first reaction to come to your mind is 'What?? How do you know that?? Or how many times have you found yourself attracted to someone, but not making a move for fear that they may be straight, and not being able to tell whether they are or not!?

You wonder how the hell someone can tell whether a person is gay or not, all by their photo in a magazine or on TV, or the way they are walking down the street. You find yourself being just that little bit sceptical, though the entire process intrigues you. After a while of this happening time and time again and you being left out of countless conversations, you begin to wish that you yourself, had the ability to notice that gay aura around homosexual people, that 'sense' of queer orientation.

A classic example was in an early episode of 'The L Word' when Dana is complaining to her friends about the fact that she doesn't have Gaydar. I'm sure if you are a person who has Gaydar, you know someone in your life that doesn't possess this seemingly innate sense. For me, that person is my girlfriend and many many not-so-straight and straight friends, so I'm hoping they read this just as much as the next person! On the other hand, you see characters on TV such as Queer As Folk who just seem to be able to look at people and 'just know' that they are queer.

For someone who likes to think that she does have the Gaydar glasses on most of the time, I feel sorry for the people who don't. Sometimes it's because they seem to get left out of some situations where Gaydar is the focus, sometimes they miss out on opportunities for fun, and sometimes I just want to help them because it starts to get annoying and I hate having to justify myself every time the topic arises! So, my friends, I have devised a brief list of tips that one may utilise to be saved from a life without Gaydar.

Please use these wisely, and remember, just like riding a.. erm.. BIKE, take small steps first, until you get the hang of it, then go out and buy yourself a really nice pair of Gaydar glasses and you are set! Once you have the vision, you always got the vision, whether in rain, hail or shine! So *ahem*, without further ado, the list maestro!

1) Ok, so you've all heard the stereotypes about the gay boys limp hand (podium dancing accident), the total and utter absence of any sporting commitment whatsoever (allergic to balls), and the presence of a fag hag at most populated outings (used to remind them why they aren't straight). Those are sometimes quite valid points to note (stereotypes are often based on a small ounce of truth), however let's drop all that and get into the more nitty-gritty of the queer world. All of the excitement of the truth* right here at your very doorstep!
* Note: 'Truth' in this instance means total and utter bullshit that the author has herself come up with. Other than that, please continue reading and enjoy!

2) Surrounding yourself within the queer community:
- If one wishes to get the hang of picking up the gay vibe, then one must first learn to acknowledge the different characteristics displayed by queer people. You know, what shampoo one gay guy prefers as opposed to another, the amount of times he goes to the gym etc. Everyone is an individual, but we also have individual differences that can be grouped and remembered. Once you have an idea of how queer people differ, then you can start to understand how they are similar.

3) Keep up with the latest queer goss, fashion and entertainment news. You know, who recently slept with who, who has the biggest dick, who gives the best head etc. When you start recognising that the person you just saw on TV was the organiser of the countries biggest fashion event, or that two guys just came out of Sanity with the latest Kylie Minogue Album, then you start to get some indication of a gay vibe. Of course, such little information is often insubstantial (but can be substantial to a trained eye). So we delve a little deeper? no, this is not a porn article?

4) The walk, the smile, the persona.
- Now we are getting into individual, but superficial characteristics (and don't queer people know about superficial, right? I shouldn't even need to be mentioning this!). I find that I can often define a guy gay or straight by the way he smiles and carries himself. He doesn't have to say a word. The smile, whether genuine or quite often fake, is wide and full, and he carries himself proudly and almost smugly (as he should!).
- Try going to gay events/ places first and having a notice (Note: don't look at people too long unless you want to get picked up!). Once you think you have the hang of it, then you can go out into the ?real world? and have a go. Try to have someone with Gaydar around you at the time, so you can confirm and learn with them. After all, this is just one big learning experience!

5) The voice, the personality, the interests..
- Ok, so you probably have already noticed that there is a certain distinctness about most gay guys voices as opposed to straight guys. But often, queer boys will not show that distinction, and sometimes, straight guys will (it's true, I know one!). So, while many of you may think this is a pretty foolproof sign, it can often be misleading. You must rely on your other Gaydar signals for the answer.
- When you get closer to a person (as opposed to peering at them from the opposite side of the street or on tv), you can actually have a chat to them and find out what they are like (Note: for one night stands this may not be necessary). Some of the things that might give a gay boy away is their barbie collection of 50 sitting at home, their many injuries obtained from working too hard at the gym, and their knowledge of the entire Barbara Streisand's Best Hits Collection. Oh, and don't forget the fact that they keep checking you out every time you bend over.

And there you have it folks, your complete guide to the world of the Gaydar. If you take these points in mind, you are sure to have Gaydar in no time! I hope this has helped you become the queer you always wanted to be.

Till next time,
Learn, love, live.

Tags: gay, gaydar, lesbian