I cried last night. I lay in my bed all alone and I balled my eyes out. Looking back, surely what triggered the onslaught of tears didn't totally warrant them. My girlfriend of over 3 years, Justine flew to Perth in the morning to be with her family on Christmas day, understandably. She was with me and my family Christmas Eve and then Christmas day she flew out and I did all my usual family stuff. However that night when I called her to say goodnight and have a bit of a talk because I wasn't feeling too good, she sorta tolerated me for 5minutes and then hung up on me to feed ducks with her dad. Then she called back while I was crying, and ended up hanging up on me again!

I hate crying in an empty bed, but I remember thinking just how overdue for a good cry I was. In hindsight, emotion overflowed probably more due to my exhaustion (working 52 hours in 6 days, with 7am starts), the news about my godmother (her breast cancer is worse than we thought) and coming home at the end of a relatively uneventful day (albeit busy) to an empty house, than to the fact that she couldn't talk.

It got me thinking though (damn psychologist that I am) about how relationships work when people place different value on certain actions and events. I think Dr Phil once called it the 'Language of Love' or something. For example, experiences mould our way of thinking. Some people place emphasis and value on some things and not others, and these can end up being different to your partners. If your partner tells you to take out the rubbish, and then you don't because you don't see it as all that important (it won't kill anyone, after all, will it?) they might react to that as a sign that you don't love them, or get shitty because you are a lazy slob who never helps out. Woah, that's a bit of an overreaction, isn't it? Not to the person who rationalises it to themselves.

In my state of exhaustion and desperation (dramatic, aren't I? But that's how I felt at the time) I needed someone to talk to and I chose my girlfriend, my best friend. She obviously didn't see any great need to speak to me, she was happy with her family, but she neglected to see that I needed her at that time. So she felt quite fine hanging up on me and leaving. I took that as a sign that I was alone and that she didn't love me or want to talk to me. In actual fact, I was in an empty house, but never alone (I have many fantastic friends and family) and of course she still loves me and wants to talk to me, just not at that inopportune time.

These misunderstandings can break a relationship, without doubt. I understand that everyone feels differently about things (some people like a clean, spotless house, others don't care if a wet towel is left hanging over a chair to dry ;)) and that it is our uniqueness that makes us interesting to others. However, its not good enough just to say that and sit back and forget about it. Its when couples don't make the effort to learn about how the other thinks and feels about things and take them into account, that problems come up.

That is not to say that your every action is controlled by the other person subconsciously. Only that once in a while if you know that your partner likes it quiet when they are reading, you don't blare music in the house, or if you know it means a lot to them that the rubbish is taken out (even if you don't understand it), that you do it. This is how we communicate in silence. In a way, everything is implied and carried out without explicit instructions. In the specific case of my gf and I, I should have stepped back and realised that she is with her family now and is busy with them, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me. And perhaps she could have tried realising that at that moment I really just needed her to listen and be there for me.

When you get past the rose-coloured glasses of love (refer to my previous article, titled appropriately), perhaps the true language of love is the one of acceptance and understanding about your partners needs and values. With busy lives, demands, responsibilities and emotion all tied in with that, it's a hard thing to master.

Perhaps after you read this you should have a think about the language of love between you and your partner. How well do you acknowledge and cater to the values/needs of your partner and vice-versa? Do fights often arise because of the 'language barrier', so to speak? How many of these could have been avoided, had one of you (and try to take equal blame!) considered the others 'language' regarding the situation? Too many of us walk through life unaware of their surroundings, where their life is headed and what they think about it!

Start taking some time to think about how your actions affect others and how theirs affect you. Don't be afraid to have feelings and to express them!

Let me know if you have any comments about what I have said or want to me explain anything more about it or if you want to say anything about any of my articles, I appreciate feedback! Email justnat@gmail.com
Learn, Love, Live.