GenQ

You have been dating the most wonderful guy and suddenly he calls and says he wants a "break". What does this mean? Is the relationship all over? Is he cheating on me? What should I do?

There are many reasons why a partner wants a break in a relationship, but they all usually lead back to the one source. He's a coward and can't say he wants to break up. Taking a break is his way of having the break up, without having the break up. If your boyfriend says he wants a break, tell him thanks and goodbye. You deserve better and you don't deserve to be lead around waiting for him to get the balls to say he wants out. You need to take the history of the relationship into account too. Has there been a history of him wanting to bring in a third person? Has he wanted to open the relationship in the past? Have you suspected or even caught him out cheating on you? All these are tell tale signs that you need to be the one to end the relationship, because he won't and he will just keep stringing you along.

you're worth more than becoming some guy's 'Plan B'

If on the other hand, this is totally unexpected, that you have been happy and monogamous, then there may be a serious problem with him. He may be suffering his own commitment issues, or there may be some incident in his life that he hasn't confided in you about. As before though the answer is the same, you need to leave, he isn't ready for any sort of relationship.

No, you say, I am giving him his break, I am doing it for us. No you're not, you're doing it for yourself. He has already expressed his desire to not spend time with you or be with you. You are hanging on because you are scared and insecure. Make the break, it will be the best thing you can do.

Insecurity can stem from many different sources and is highly individual. Maybe you were raised in a family who didn’t give enough positive strokes and you were made to feel “less than.” Maybe you have a history of abuse. Perhaps your experiences with men in the past have burned you and now you feel suspect and untrusting to let your guard down. Low self-esteem plays a big role. Maybe you have attachment difficulties, fears of abandonment, commitment phobia…the faces of insecurity are diverse. There are, however, two particularly strong forces that can befriend insecurity that you should be aware of and intervene before too much havoc occurs.

If you let him have his "break" hoping that he will come back and everything will be wonderful, you are wrong. Firstly, you will already be feeling resentful towards him for putting you in this position in the first place. The resentment will only build over time and eventually explode. Second, you have given over your power to him in this relationship to dictate it's terms, including be able to sleep around while one a "break" so he doesn't have to feel guilty about cheating on you. Third, after the break, if he does come back, he will feel resentment towards you, because deep down, he was hoping you would break up the relationship and you didn't and now he is still stuck in the same situation. This resentment will slowly grow and turn on you.

So the moral of this story? If you're boyfriend suggests a break, no matter what his reasons are, end the relationship. You may find that in six months or a year that you actually want to try it again, but right now is not the time. Guys who say they want a "break" are generally too cowardly to actually break up themselves and are trying to push you into it.

If you keep pushing him into the relationship and giving yourself excuses for doing it (like I am doing it for us), then in the end you will be hurt. The intention behind any break that should cause you to think - when guy wants a break, he usually wants to end things but wants to have you there as the fall-back in case whatever he wants to pursue (whether it's being single or not) and that's not a situation you should want to be in - you're worth more than becoming some guy's 'Plan B'.  Try reading "He's Not That Into You".

Just do it!

Tags: breaking up, gay men, relationships