So what do you do if you’re a single gay man looking for love? Well, I’ve no idea either. That’s why I’m asking. However just recently I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, so I’ve put down my re-occurring phases of each man I seem to meet to give you a little hindsight into the world of dating a compulsive over thinker…….

Phase one. “Can I have a marriage proposal, a house in the country and a Labrador with that kiss? By the way my names Michael.” So if the fellow you just snogged three minutes previous is still sticking around after the last question your next trail of thoughts begins. ‘So does he really like me as he’s not ran off screaming “POSSESSIVE”. Next thought: Couldn’t possibly be that as it would have been a natural reaction to run for the hills, there for he must be the freak. Step back and move on.

He left five minutes ago and you’re now wondering if it’s too early to tell if he loves you.

Phase two. You swapped numbers and he’s text you all morning but there’s a sudden stop, despite his last text reading ‘Not a problem babe, just about 2 go 2 work. Speak l8er X X X.’ Automatically the thoughts begin, who will he chat to at work? Will he meet anyone on the way there (even though he’s been working there for five years and it’s never happened before)? Four hours have passed and he’s not text you, and you figure he must have had a break by now.

Phase three. Your phone is now switched off as you’ve annoyed yourself for looking at it every 30 seconds. Telling yourself you’ll keep it off for five hours as your sure that in that time you will have at least one message. However, you only last ten minutes before you’re typing the pin code back into your phone for what you already knew would be a knock of disappointment.

Phase four. You met up for dinner last night and he stayed over, conversation flowed and so did the wine. You tell him you like him and he says it back. He left five minutes ago and you’re now wondering if it’s too early to tell if he loves you.

Phase five. You go for a few drinks and start getting paranoid as he’s been texting someone all night. Positive it must be somebody else he’s seeing you’re about to put an end to your 246 hour relationship (not that you’ve been counting). Only then he tells you he has to go as his mothers dog was run over last week and died but she’s getting a bit old and she’s been spotted trying to take its body for a walk. You then spend the rest of the evening thinking how horrible and mean you would have sounded before trying to decide if he was genuine or a bloody good excuse to leave.

Phase six. All is going well, you’ve now been together 346 hours but you know you can’t control your paranoia much longer as it’s Saturday afternoon and he’s just phoned you to tell you he’s food shopping in a well known supermarket, like everybody else on a Saturday. Though you think there’s somebody with him despite deep down knowing that you’ve actually just heard an announcement for a special offer on buy on get one free Oven Chips. The decision is taken to delete his number from your phone.

Phase seven. You’ve found an old text message from him and his phone number is now restored, but you can not help your possessive streak and 413 hours after you first met you decide you should just be friends and so you call it off with him, when really you were just starting to like him,, but you’d rather him not know that you’re a paranoid obsessed freak.

Phase eight. “Can I have a marriage proposal, a house in the country and a Labrador with that kiss?”

Tags: gay men, love, sexuality